Welcome ladies and gents to the Ten Caesars Valentine's Day special.

Originally this shot was supposed to be of a painting of a heart. Instead, you get a tiled to get you into the Valentine's Day spirit because I could not get my CC to work for it.

And now without further ado, I present to you a tale of woe, misery and longing- yes Valentine's Day delivered the only way the Caesars know how.

Note: you might want to check out my previous Interlude Marina-me for some backstory on this one.

Our story begins in the home of Drusila Caesar. The Princess was being visited by her good friend Elissandra Goodytwoshoes, sim daughter to the narrator guy who writes this legacy. On this faithful day, Elissa, even with all her pride, couldn't help but admit something to her sister in law.

Elissa: *sigh* I have to admit Dru, I'm envious of you.

Dru: "It's not a thing to be ashamed of Elissa. Most people are."

Elissa: "No, I meant of what you have with your family. Four beautiful children... a fifth, maybe sixth on the way. A healthy relationship with your husband... I want that."

Dru: "So then have more children. It isn't hard. You've got two already. Tell my brother to fulfill his role as husband and make you pregnant."

Elissa: "I wish it were that simple. But Cecil has no interest in doing that. We haven't had sex in years."

Dru: "Wait what? You've done it before, right?"

Elissa: "Twice... I drugged him both times. Since we haven't done anything."

Dru: "Makes sense since you have two kids."

Elissa: "No, Horatio wasn conceived using that Tombstone of Life and Death. And now that he knows there are other ways to have children without woo-hoo, he's less receptive than ever!"

Dru: "So drug him again. It's not that hard."

Elissa: "Marriage is like a game Dru; you can't concede goals to the other team. If I actually drugged him again, it would be like he won. I have resort to trickery to get my husband to woo-hoo me. What does that say about me?"

Dru: "It says you are not being forceful enough. Men have to understand their will is nothing more than a gift we let them keep in order for them to remain useful. They need to think for themselves, except when dealing with our needs. Then they are only to think of me."

Elissa: "You mean us?"

Dru: "No, of me. I am Princess after all. Anyway, 'Lis, you want me to have a word with him?"

Elissa: "It's okay. Valentine's Day is coming up. I know you Romans don't celebrate it, but Cecil and I will. I've been dropping hints of what I want; he's smart enough to get the message."

Dru: "But is he wise enough to follow direction?"

Elissa was determined to make sure he did. When she returned home, she spoke with Cecil about the evening's plans.

Elissa: "So, I'm really thinking we could just spend the night here. Dinner, maybe some conversation, then a little fun. You know "fun", an enjoyable and pleasurable time spent? Preferrably with one another?"

Cecil: "I am aware of the definition of 'fun', Elissandra. Are you feeling alright? You seem a bit flush."

Elissa: "Perfectly fine. Just trying to get insight into what you are planning for Valentine's Day and tossing along any tips I could think up. *coughextracirricularactivitiesafterdarkcough*.

Cecil: "Hmph, you've had that persistant cough lately. Perhaps you should get it looked at."

Elissa: "I'm fine Cecil. Just hoping that you will make this night one to remember. I mean it is a celebration of love and making your significant other happy. You can do that, right?"

Cecil: "I see no reason why not. I have a nice evening planned for us. I would divulge more but that would spoil any surprises for you. I understand how much you enjoy those."

Elissa: "Whew. I told Dru you'd come through. But she had her doubts."

Cecil: "Oh Elissandra, talking to Drusila? My sister's existence in this reality is tenuous at best. All events take place under her prism of self entitlement that not even my late father could have equalled. You should not look to her for anything but a humorous conversation."

Elissa: "She is your sister you know."

Cecil: "I am quite aware. Every day she reminds me of how not to carry myself."

Cecil: "My lady, Blackened catfish, freshly caught and made, for your dining pleasure."

Elissa: "Aww.... you shouldn't have!"

Cecil: "It was little trouble."

Elissa: "No, you shouldn't have. I've tasted your food before."

Cecil: "I realize, but I assure you, I have been practicing."

Elissa: "Mmm! I take it back! This catfish is delicious Cecil. You have been learning! Keep this up and I might start considering you the perfect husband."

Cecil: "Such titles are only for those who seek reassurance through them. I have no need my dear. I know I am a fine model for others to aspire to be."

Elissa: "Uh... sure... Anyway, Cecil, I was going to bring this up before, but I wanted to save it for the evening. I was thinking, Wesley is already getting big and Horatio is nearly a toddler... perhaps we should consider expanding our family a bit more."

Cecil: "Another child? That is an excellent idea Elissa."

Elissa: "Really?? You're all in favor? I honestly wasn't sure if you would be. And while we're on the subject, do we have to stop with just one? I'd love to have a few more... maybe five, six... ten..."

Cecil: "A large family is certainly something to be looked upon with pride. If you desire to raise ten children Elissa, then you shall have ten children."

Elissa: *Squee* "This is the greatest gift ever Cecil! I can't wait to tell Dru that I'm going to out baby her!"

Cecil: "Tell Drusila what?"

Elissa: "Nothing hon. I'm going upstairs. See you in a bit!"

Cecil went upstairs to discover...

Elissa: "I'm ready babe. Let's get started on baby number three. Oooh I hope it's a girl this time. Not that I mind having boys but I'd like a little me for once."

Cecil: "Why are you in your underwear?"

Elissa: "Because, we are going to conceive a baby?"

Cecil: "Yes, but what does that have to do with your underwear?"

Elissa: "Because you don't get babies without sex?"

Cecil: "I believe Horatio has disproved that theory. We did not engage in relations and yet you still became pregnant with him."

Elissa: "But I don't want to use the tombstone this time. I want au naturale."

Cecil: "Errr....."

Elissa: "You have got to be kidding me. You want another child. I want another child. I'm the one who is going to be sick the next four months and then lug it around for another five. The least you can do is sacrifice a little bit of your uptightness and give me a good time beforehand."

Cecil: "If that is your concern, then I would not hesitate to have the child this time. I have experience in that matter you realize."

Elissa: "I don't believe this. You would sooner suffer through pregnancy than actually have sex!"

Elissa: "Dru is right! You are an idiot!"

Cecil: "What about the baby?"

Elissa: "Forget it! I'm never using anything but sex to get my children ever again!"

Cecil: "Arg, that meddlesome sister. Filling Elissandra with impure thoughts. Simply abhorrent. We've moved into a golden age when that filthy act is unecessary to carry on our lines. Should we not embrace it?"

Elissa: "Are you allowed to embrace it? Or is that too dirty for you?"

Elissa: "Yeah Dru, he wussed out again. Oh no, he wants the baby. He just want to do what's necessary to get it! I KNOW! Can you believe he would actually rather get pregnant himself than have sex with me? Dru? Dru? Easy Dru, calm down. No, I know he's stupid but there's no reason to destroy things. Um... maybe we should talk tomorrow..."

Dru was interested in talking, but not to Elissa. The next day she intended to have a stern talking to with her half brother.

Dru: "Cecil, brother, we need to talk about you and 'Lis."

Cecil: "Sister, surely you realize the relationship between me and my wife is private."

Dru: "Sure, for the lay folk. But I'm family."

Cecil: "It makes little difference. A gentleman never tells."

Dru: "You aren't a gentleman Cecil, you just play one on TV. So come on, dish."

Cecil: "I will not."

Dru: "You might as well. 'Lis already told me about how you won't do the woo-hoo with her. Come on brother, what do you think she married you for? It certainly wasn't your endearing personality."

Dru: "The woman wants babies. It's your duty to give her what she wants."

Cecil: "We can have children. We have in the past used a tombstone to---"

Dru: "Tombstone?! Tombstones are only good for trophies after defeating your opponent! They are not for baby making. Listen Cecil, perhaps you just need some pointers. Don't worry, I can help. I give Sextus instructions on this all the time. Sometimes you guys just need to be led in the right direction. So first you should---"

Cecil: "*I* have no need for pointers sister. It is just a simple matter of choice. I do not feel that or this discussion is appropriate. Therefore it shall end. Understood?"

Dru: "No. Are you really so averse to woo-hoo you would actually get pregnant yourself? I mean you do realize you are supposed to be a man right? And you once touted you are a true Roman, of the old school. Old school Roman men do not have babies themselves."

Cecil: "You will not prompt futher discussion from me. If you want to continue this conversation, you shall have it with yourself."

Dru: "Of course... of course, Cecil. Well this baby has me famished! How about we eat? I brought over some salad."

Cecil: "Yes, that sounds delightful."

Cecil: "This salad is delicious."

Dru: "Thank you brother, I made it myself. Now, I was wondering, do you ever show emotion? I heard 'Lis say that you cheered when Wesley was born, but that's about it."

Cecil: "I find such displays to be inappropriate and dangerously revealing."

Dru: "Oh come on. Showing emotion is a part of life. Besides, I've never held a thought back. What I think I say, and what I say goes."

Cecil: "And things like that could harm you one day. Your enemies will take advantage of such a weakness."

Dru: "Not when you are three steps of your targets. For example, that salad is poisoned for you but not for me."

Cecil: "Excuse me."

Dru: "See? I just announced plain as day that I poisoned you and there isn't anything you can do about it. Oh Cecil, so much to learn from your big sister. Maybe one day I'll teach you."

Cecil: "No... I must... no succumb... Do not go gently... into that good night..."

Dru: "In that case, I'd get your torch ready Cecil, in 5...4...3...2..."

*Thud*

Dru: "Hmm... could use a bit more salt."

Cecil: "Where... where am I?"

Cecil: " I don't recognize this place. Where is Drusila? Elissandra?"

Pina: "Neither are here brother. It's just you and me."

Cecil: "Oh! Agrippina, sister. Did Drusila bring me over here after she drugged me?"

Pina: "Brought you? Drugged you? Oh Cecil, you should know by now Drusila would do something far more sinister than that."

Cecil: "What... are you insinuating?"

Pina: "She poisoned you. You're in Hades now. Do Not Pass Go. Do Not Collect 200 hundred denari."

Cecil: "Impossible. If I am deceased, how are you here?"

Pina: "What?! Did Claudius not tell ANYONE about this?"

Cecil: "About what?"

Pina: "Dru poisoned me. I'm dead! Have been for over a month now. No annoucement? No funeral? No day of mourning? Nothing?"

Cecil: "I am afraid not sister. I had no idea of your passing until now... and... does this mean I am..."

Pina: "Seems that way, doesn't it?"

Cecil: "That is not what I asked."

Pina: "You didn't ask anything Cecil. Couldn't bring yourself to finish. Could it be Mister Cold and Calculated is afraid?"

Cecil: "Fear is a tool used to paralyze the weak. I fear nothing."

Pina: "Keep telling yourself that brother. You might actually start to truly believe it."

Cecil: "You still never answered my question."

Pina: "And you never asked it."

Cecil: "Are you trying to anger me? It will not work."

Pina: "Too scared to be angry?"

Cecil: "Why would I be worried? It is clear from your refusal to respond to my question that I am not dead. Even if I am visiting you in the afterlife, there is a way for me to return."

Pina: "What makes you so sure?"

Cecil: "Because I know you sister. If I were dead, you would be jumping at the opportunity to spread your misery to me. You are trying, but also dodging a simple question which would complete your goal to destroy my spirit."

Pina: "You are smarter than you look. But of course you did technically admit that if you were dead it would crush your spirit, so I suppose that is a small victory for me."

Cecil: "I am disappointed our prior meetings left you with such little respect for me. Now, I clearly awoke here for a reason. What is that reason?"

Pina: "Death stopped by here the other day and put me in charge of giving you a tour around here. Said you were supposed to achieve some revelation or something."

Cecil: "Impossible. You would never listen to Death unless you were getting something out of it."

Pina: "Who says I'm not?"

Cecil: "What is that something? And what am I supposed to realize?"

Pina: "As if I'd tell you on either count. Now if you want to make it back top side, I'd suggest you follow me."

Cecil: "I see no reason you couldn't have told me to bring an umbrella."

Pina: "Because you are supposed to know it rains here genius. Since you can understand any situation with your brilliant deduction powers."

Cecil: "Death clearly has not aided in your maturity."

Pina: "Nor has it in your haughtiness."

Cecil: "I am not dead. Now, where are we?"

Pina: "The first stop on our tour. This trip will have you visit some very important people. Apparently you Victorians get off on seeing stuff from the past. Something about a Christmas Carol and all that jazz."

Cecil: "I assure you it is not that simple."

Pina: "Yeah, right. You can dress a five year old up like a queen, but she'd still be a five year old."

Cecil: "Upset that you are still a five year old, only without the regal clothing?"

Pina: "....grumble..."

Pina: "Hello!!!! Special guests arriving courtesy of the afterlife "Scared Straight" program."

Cecil: "Impossible... surely that cannot be..."

Cecil: "Father?"

Gaius: "You aren't Claudius. You can't be my son."

Pina: "He's my brother from another mother, father."

Gaius: "Sushi's brat?"

Pina: "Er... no. The one from that Squeaky Clean land in Pleasantville."

Gaius: "AH! That's right Cecil! My favorite son! Much more like me than Claudius! Pina, why didn't you kill Claudius when you had the chance."

Pina: "I was, but Dru got to me first."

Gaius: "Why did Drusila kill you?"

Pina: "Because I tried to kill her and---"

Gaius:"You tried to kill my Drusila?! OUT WITH YOU NOW!!!"

Pina: "But..."

Gaius: "She was my greatest child. I should have you killed again! Now leave."

Pina: "I forgot how much I cheered when you died not so old man."

Gaius: "So hard to find good offspring these days."

Cecil: "Tell me about it father."

Gaius: "Now then, come to pay fealty to the greatest Emperor Rome has ever known?"

Cecil: "Er... no... actually Drusila poisoned me."

Gaius: "Oh that lovely girl. Always thinking of me. I could use the company."

Cecil: "No, she sent me here to learn something."

Gaius: "Learn something? That doesn't sound like Dru. Are you certain?"

Cecil: "Positive. I believe it has something to do with pleasing my wife Elissandra."

Gaius: "Wives are not to be pleased Cecil. They are to do as they are told. For example, I wish for a sandwich. CANDI, FETCH ME A SANDWICH!!!"

Candi: "Piss off. I'm busy."

Gaius: "You refuse my request?"

Candi: "Yeah. What are you going to do? Kill me?!"

Pina: "Seriously, can you believe the nerve of that guy?"

Candi: "Frammit! Damn Orc. If I die because that cheesehead distracted me with his sandwich request...."

Pina: "Mother, are you listening?"

Candi: "No."

Pina: "I can't believe you. Just because you're dead doesn't give you the right to--"

Candi: "ARG!!! I died! Screw this game. Cheaters, all of them!"

Pina: "How nice of you to take a break to pay attention to me for once. If only you had bothered when I was alive."

Candi: "Geez, you going to dye your hair black and start writing goofy poetry? Maybe change your name to Ravenspina?"

Pina: "Mocking me? Funny, who coming from someone who couldn't even tear herself away from the computer to greet the daughter she hasn't seen in years."

Candi: "Well they say World of Warcraft is for people with no lives..."

Pina: "I forgot I cheered when you died too..."

Cecil: "Apparently, your relationship with Candi is not as you believe it to be."

Gaius: "Nonsense. She worships the ground I walk in. Just because she gets angry from time to time, refuses to make me food, actively avoids conversation with me and curses my name does not mean she does not cherish being my wife."

Cecil: "What do you chalk that up to father?"

Gaius: "Probably the fault of those Uglacies. Or possibly that time of the month. The gods work in mysterious ways after all. And they don't always let me in on their secrets."

Gaius: "So, you're here because Dru sent you to find some grand secret about you and your wife. What did she hope you find in the afterlife? Oh, perhaps a way to kill her?"

Cecil: "Kill Elissandra? Perish forbid. She is a treasure, though I would never admit such a thing for fear she may use it against me."

Gaius: "A treasure? Son, all women are disposable. Their purpose is to give you children. Have you not learned about anatomy? That is why they have wide hips and breasts. Who are we to deny them their purpose?"

Cecil: "Are you telling me to disregard the wishes of my wife?"

Gaius: "Your wife has wishes? That's your first problem son. Her only wish should be to please you."

Cecil: "While I would prefer Elissa saw things from my point of view more frequently father, I am not sure it would be advisable to have her bow entirely to my wishes. I feel she would lose an essential part of what makes her... beauti--- uh... Elissa."

Gaius: "Son, I failed you. I never taught you how a true Roman handles their wife. If you don't change soon, you'll end up like that girlie man Claudius, who has the women in his life run the show."

Cecil: "Are you certain you should be dispensing relationship advice, father? Your history is not strong. Your wife here despises you, your second lover was a delusional cheesehead after power and mother in Pleasantview seemed rather disatisfied at the end. In fact she ended up falling for a robot."

Gaius: "You almost make it seem like I should be troubled by this."

Cecil: "Father it does not bother you at all that all the women in your life seem to end up despising you?"

Gaius: "Why should it? I'm attributed to having said 'Let them hate me, so long as they fear me."

Cecil: "For plebs perhaps. But wives?"

Gaius: "I wanted obedience. I got that from them. Remember son, if you present yourself as a powerful master, someone will always offer their servitude to you. Never give an inch and you'll find most don't have the will to fight for it."

Cecil: "But what about in the end? You are alone now. You have no regrets?"

Gaius: "Sir Bricks a Lot always approved. That's enough for me."

Cecil: "I see.. well father, I should go. I think I have learned all that I should from you today."

Candi: "Stupid orc. Still can't believe it got me."

Cecil: "Where is Agrippina?"

Candi: "Probably buying a pair fishnet stockings and black lipstick. I couldn't take her complaining anymore and just hid in the bathroom until she got bored and left."

Cecil: "I see, thank you for your assistance Miss uh... Uglacy is it?"

Candi: "Yeah sure, whatever kid. I've got some green skinned axe wielders to payback."

Cecil: "That sister is a problem. I cannot believe her outrightly disrespectful behavior towards myself and her family. Such things would not be acceptable if she were my daughter. I would surely give her a stern talking to, and if need be, leave to go on vacation until she learned her lesson. Sometimes I wonder how parents are raising their children these days."

Pina: "Let's see... she updated her blog. Hmm... discussions of Renee, Ameila, Orpehlia, Drusila... Vespasian?! What?! That little bastard hasn't even DONE anything yet! Oooh! That old bag! I'll show her!"

Cecil: "Why did you leave me at father's? And what are you doing?"

Pina: "Can't talk. Posting on Death's Secret.

Cecil: "What is Death's Secret?"

Pina: "A website in the underworld where people can post anonoymous confessions about things they come across down here. We'd say it to their faces, but that probably would end up in an eternal war. Death's not a fan of cleaning up after us apparently."

Cecil: "What a collasal waste of time. Though I suppose you have forever. I shall be in the study when you are ready to move on to the next visit."

Pina: Yeah, keep patting each other on the back, Julia! You and your gang of old bags are nothing but an elitist clique. Julia= Shutta. Renee = Blow Hard. Drusila = nut job. Orphelia = recycled gag. Ameila= Stupid Head. Vespasian= Cabana boy. Yeah that's right Vespy, can't talk with your mouth full, can you? People, just because they're good killers doesn't mean you have to worship them like goddesses!

Now to make stick figures with their pictures on top... perfect! HA!!! Now that I've insulted them, they'll HAVE to pay attention to me."

Pina: "Wait, I have a response.... Cypress Vetinari... I'm a tool who is just jealous?! Why the nerve! I'll show him. Hey Cypress, why don't you go *explative deleted* them off?! You know you want to. Ha, I'm so clever. Where do I come up with these witty comebacks?

Hey, where did Cecil go?"

Pina went to the study but did not find her brother. After a quick search, she found him in front of another house

Pina: "There you are. What are you doing over here?"

Cecil: "I saw a delightful looking feline and headed this way. But then I discovered something shocking!"

Pina: "You actually have an attraction to cats?"

Cecil: "Worse!"

Pina: "Yeah, Cassius making out with anyone is pretty disgusting. Though I figure you of all people should be desensitized to it. You've seen him in action before, haven't you?"

Cecil: "Yes, but that wasn't what I was referring to."

Cecil: "That woman is pregnant!"

Cassius: "Hey baby, it looks like I've got guests. Why don't you run along? I'll catch up with you later."

Meadow: *Giggle* Okay Cassius! Can't wait to see what you've got me for Valentine's Day!"

Cassius: "Sure you'll love it."

Cassius: "Jokes on her, we don't celebrate Valentine's Day in Rome."

Cecil: "How positively revolting."

Pina: "Hey Cassius, how's it going?"

Cassius: "Wait, I know you. The up tight weirdo who doesn't like to be touched by women. Ha, welcome to the afterlife Cecil!"

Cecil: "You do not have a problem with me?"

Cassius: "Heck no! We need more guys like you around. Then all the ladies down here would HAVE to come to me."

Cecil: "I should not be surprised by that answer."

Pina: "Hey, just ignore me then."

Cecil: "I see the results of your handiwork even down here."

Cassius: "What are you talking about?"

Cecil: "Meadow Thayer? Pregnant?"

Cassius: "OH! That's not me. She was like that when I got here. Rumor has it she's been around the block with Tiberius."

Cecil: "I see, I did not know such things were possible."

Cassius: "I know. Tiberius had enough skills to get it on with Meadow? Shocking!

Pina: "Screw you guys, I don't need to talk to you."

Cassius: "So you are dead cous? Tough break."

Cecil: "I am not dead. I am just here because I am supposed to have a revelation of some sort. I am not sure as to what nature. But there is someone I am supposed to talk to here."

Cassius: "So it's relationship advice you need. Well if you want to pleasure her Cecil you---"

Cecil: "Please, do not discuss such things with me. I suspect who I must meet with is someone other than you. Where is she?"

Cassius: "Out back, but she doesn't know half as much as me."

Cecil: "And for that she is eternally grateful."

Cecil: "Are you coming?"

Pina: "I can't believe this."

Cecil: "What now?"

Pina: "This is the paper that came out after I died. You know what the headline is?"

Cecil: "Nothing to do with you clearly."

Pina: "Marius Wife Teaches Cat to Pee in Toilet!"

Cecil: "Clearly Rome's editors need a lesson in what qualifies as interesting news."

Pina: "Seriously. There is NOTHING in here about me. I can't believe this! I tried to steal my sister's husband! I plotted to destroy by brother's reign. I tried to kill my own sister. I LOCKED A MAN UP IN MY BASEMENT AND MADE HIM GIVE BIRTH TO ALIEN SPAWN!!! What more does a gal have to do to get remembered these days?

No, we get cats peeing in toilets, celebrity pregnancy rumors and... a profile on the Finch sisters?! GAH! The Princess of the Empire dies and the people are 'treated' to cats and happy go lucky plant hugging girls?! If I weren't down here I'd personally wring Claudius by his neck for putting this drivel out."

Cecil: "As I expected, Professor and the doofus."

Flavius: "So, when are we going to have more children?"

Prof: "I told you, that isn't possible down here."

Flavius: "But what about that Meadow girl? She seems to have figured out a way."

Prof: "Well you go talk to her then and if you discover the means, by all means, we'll discuss it further."

Cecil: "Seems like a concession."

Prof: "Not much of one. He'll never figure out how Meadow did it. No one has. Though I realize concession is a dirty word for you."

Cecil: "Concession is not. Begging is. Negotiations are a part of life. For example, I would not beg for a starring role in your legacy, but I did manage to negotiate myself into a large part."

Prof: *Snicker*

Cecil: "Are you mocking me?"

Prof: "You showed emotion? Shocking."

Cecil: "You know what I think, so it's less important to hide it than with others."

Prof: "If you know that, then why are you upset? You know I don't believe we negotiated on equal ground."

Cecil: "And I beg to differ."

Prof: "I am the law over there. What I say goes. The autonomy I choose to let you have is a choice dictated by my tastes, not yours. Come on Cecil, you know that. Now, let's forget with the semantics. Shall we discuss why you are really here?"

Cecil: "I find that we can force hands more than creators wish to realize. However, we shall agree to disagree. Are you aware of the reason I was brought here?"

Prof: "Your wife is not happy with you. So now you have to learn something valuable which will help you in pleasing her."

Cecil: "Precisely. Only, I am not sure what revelation I am supposed to have. I certainly do want to please Elissandra. She is an excellent mother, a beautiful woman and pleasant to be around."

Prof: "Are you and I thinking of the same Elissandra who once locked her cousin away because he couldn't marry him?"

Cecil: "Hmm... she does have a thing for incest does she not? Regardless, I would like to keep her satisisfied, but it appears she is only interested in one thing only."

Prof: "Cecil, that 'one thing' isn't exactly minor. Just think in history or the fictional world. Why did Paris kidnap Helen? It wasn't because he enjoyed her conversation. Romeo and Juliet? What else do teenagers think about? Have you read the part of the Aenid with him and Dido?"I could go on and on Cecil, but you get my point. Sex is not meant to be taken lightly."

Cecil: "All seem to be reasons against continuing an act which has caused so many problems."

Prof: "It's not just that though. That you would not give it to Elissa, likely makes her feel frustrated in more ways than one. I mean if someone's husband won't woo-hoo them, it has to do a number on their confidence."

Cecil: "But she knows I do not partake in such acts because I find them depraved, not because I think there is something wrong with her."

Prof: "Even still, a small part of her must doubt. Marriage is about a lot of things Cecil, but compromise is essential. And as you said, you may not beg, but you do compromise."

Cecil: "Well played. If nothing else this conversation re-affirms my respect for you as a creator."

Prof: "Even if you don't agree with a word I've uttered, right?"

Cecil: "...."

Cassius: "Hey looking sexy. Who are you anyway?"

Pina: "Back off man skank. Not interested... wait, you don't remember me at all? I'm Gaius' daughter Agrippina!"

Cassius: "Oh... so you're one of the two reasons I got executed."

Pina: "What?"

Cassius: "Gaius executed me because he never wanted the possibility of me hitting on one of his daughters. Ha, kind of funny he ended up failing anyway."

Pina: "Only Cassius Marius would revel in being able to hit on a woman in the afterlife."

Cassius: "That's what gives me my special charm babe. Now what do you say?"

Pina: "NO, NO, NO and NO. I might want attention, but I'm not willing to go THAT far. Even I have some level of self respect."

Cassius: "That's what they all say. Eventually they get worn down."

Pina: "Thankfully, this is one thing Cecil and I have in common. We do not wear down, ever."

Cassius: "Sounds kinky!"

Pina: "GAH! Is there no phrase safe from your dirty mind?!"

Cassius: "Cassius Marius, true leader of the Legionaries of Lechery. You have HEARD of me before, right?"

Cecil: "I believe we are finished here."

Pina: "And not a moment to soon. If I had to stare at Cassius another minute my eyes might have fallen off. If I had to listen to his awful pick up lines any more my ears might have run off. If I---"

Cecil: "We understand. You find Cassius repulsive. Now, where are we going next?"

Heather: "Like, you totally came here to learn a lesson didn't you? Rad... I am like, amazing at teaching and stuff. You know once, I was sorta a prophet or something, like that bearded guy. What's his name? Um... Jeremy or something? Anyway, like I bet you are searching for cheese. All life comes from it's goo-ey-ness. It makes you all healthy and plump and stuff. That was so me back when I was alive. Cheese even gave me a cute squishy thing that made gurgling sounds. So I kept getting bigger and then one day I had cramps and then poof! Out comes that squishy thing. The others said it a baby so like I named her Ricotta and then I went to eat some more cheese cause I was exhausted and cheese is refreshing. Then I think it got warm and I woke up here. Wait... what was I saying?"

Cecil: "Oh my, I believe I am actually dumber having listened to that."

Pina: "I... actually agree with you for once. My brain might have actually shut down during that conversation."

Cecil: "So why are we here?"

Pina: "Because I wanted to torture you. Not part of the tour, just payback for your snide remarks."

Cecil: "But you suffered too..."

Pina: "Well worth it to see your head explode."

Cecil: *shakes head*

And that is it for Part I! Will Cecil escape the afterlife! Will Pina actually become a Goth kid? Who else will they visit in this trip down Caesar memory lane! Stay tuned for Part II, which should be out shortly.

Also thanks to Professor Butters for Cecil Goodytwoshoes!